mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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