turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
