I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
two words...techno handjob
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
