You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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