I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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