I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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