note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
