I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
