walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
