my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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