I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
