We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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