New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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