were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
