I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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