cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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