Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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