you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
