he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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