let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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