Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
