i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
