I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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