we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
