Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
