he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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