Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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