So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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