Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
