suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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