Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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