I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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