Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
