38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
where are my pants?
in the oven.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
