Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
