I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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