DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
