either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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