i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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