Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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