After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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