atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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