There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
