Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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