Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
