Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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