Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
