It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
