I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
