Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
