I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
