I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
