even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
